Letting go of hate

It's such an awful word. Hate. Not one that I am particularly found of, in fact it's a word that we have encouraged our children not to use at all. ...dislike has a softer energy to it. I have always had a soft spot for people, animals, anything living really... a kind empathic heart when it comes to others who are suffering or being treated unfairly. I can remember days in elementary when I would run to the side of someone in distress or getting picked on, never second guessing my decision. That way of being has never left me....Except when it comes to one person. Like many of us out there we have people, events, circumstances that can leave a heavy dose of trauma in our lives. Finding the way out can be one of the most challenging things that you ever build up the courage to do. I have had someone in my life for nearly 30 years that has continued to mentally and emotionally control, manipulate and abuse me. The only word that I have ever been able to sum up for how I feel about this person is hate. Starting at age 15 the simple fact that I existed was enough to light a fire of hatred within this person, that fire continued to blaze through the next 28 years of my life. I wont get into the details of the abuse, but it left quite a mark. You can't get restraining orders on people who use mental warfare to stain your life, their abuse often goes unseen. For years and years I have been caught up in the sickness, abuse and hatred of this person, all to salvage and maintain a relationship with someone I care incredibly deeply about..... But over the holidays I took my last hit. The weight and heaviness that I have allowed this person to bring into my life had to stop. I could no longer allow someone to do this to me, even if it meant not seeing someone whom has been with me my entire life, as regularly. I realized over the holidays that I had to let go, I had to choose me. Either I continue to dip my toes in this pool of hatred and abuse, or I turn away and say no more. As one can imagine this decision did not come easily, but rather with a lot of emotion and sadness. I felt guilt and shame for leaving the person I love behind, but i just couldn't keep the negativity in my life anymore. My husband said to me "Danielle I would have left that mess after a year of the abuse, you have fought for a relationship for 28 years, you have nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty for". He is absolutely right. I have been working through all of the baggage that comes along with being mentally abused for decades. It's not something that cleans up easily, there are so many layers to it. Just when I think I am through it, the stain of her hatred in my energy rears it's little head. I get so frustrated with myself "Danielle, why are you not through this yet, just let it go, don't allow this person to affect you anymore!!!" I have been meditating, reading, listening, to all the teachers that I can on how to best move through this, and what I have come to know is through love, and compassion for myself as well as this person, is the only way to my personal freedom. I know that I speak of love often and how fundamental it is to everything......but the more i study the more I realize it really is. If we can choose love, see that everything is love, and if I can look at this person realizing that at the core of their being , before all of their traumas and generational imprinting took place, their energy is as pure and loving as the core energy that runs through all things. That's when I gain my freedom.....not only from her but from any situation that has ever held me back. Now this is not easy, it takes a tremendous amount of discipline and work, but it can be done......i feel like I am almost there. I have readjusted my way of thinking entirely. I send this person love and healing when I meditate, I am grateful for the lessons and spiritual teachings that have accompanied our time. But with that, I have also set strong boundaries, I no longer engage with this person AT ALL. The hate is so diluted that it's almost completely neutralized and I am so grateful. I know that there will be times when it pops up again, but I am ready, I have my tools, and I just have to remember that LOVE is stronger than any hate will ever be. Sending love and beautiful blessings on your journey. ~D